I hope you know….

As I am inscribing this, my sanity drowns to its own confusion. I feel like being played by a puppet player in a disco of theatre. I care but I feel like he doesn’t. I trust him but I can’t feel he is to me. I always think about him but I don’t know which time he thought of me, or he even cared to push me in his head neither every second nor even just a minute. I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. He doesn’t care the efforts that I made. I feel rejected!

I’m no one to despair in this kind of choice I have chosen. I think what I want to think. I may be in a wavy life but I know how to drift calmly. I maybe in a rally of turmoil yet I’m no nagger of nonsense things. Quite and serene makes a perfect being to me. I don’t want to hear nags and unhealthy discussions that make our time bitchy!

Right now, I wanna break down and cry. I don’t want to be failed again. I hope he knows what I really feel for him. All I have is a hope to have something perfect from this kind of imperfection. That sooner or later he’ll gonna show up and say “hey, you’re such an expensive thing I have that’s why I’m really taking care of you”.

Right now, I feel the hurt from a broken arrow that cupid gave to me. It’s bleeding and it is starting to kill me. I wanna hear his voice yet he made me deaf. I wanna be at his side yet he pushes me away. I wanna look at his eyes but I am blinded with my own tears.

I feel invisible!

”affair”

They say when the other door is closing, another door will open. When my affair with Oliver ended, I thought of putting armistice to myself. But not as soon as I reached the goal, when I started mingling to this lad I’ve known in some of the links that I browsed. Being in the state of baffleness; moving forward from a failure occurrence, I had the chance to aghast myself and let forget the aches. He was Mark, a college student in one of the University in Manila. Taller that me, has chinito eyes and has meek personality. We had a wholesome deal in making our affair (when I say “wholesome” no private events). The set up- after our classes we had time to sat and eat outside, talked and stroll a little. In the short span of our affair, I’ve known him. We had a certain commitment called “affair” yet I could still felt the barrier between us. Even that time I was still in the stage of recovering from the blast of my past relationship. But I knew I am sure about what I felt to him. The conformity to keep us into a vow doesn’t showcase to what we acted.

After two weeks, he asked his freedom from me. I’m no shock to that, I knew it would happen. We ended everything between us in a good way. A sad event yet we fulfilled the happiness in ourselves. I understand his reasons why we need to separate ways. I appreciated him why we should set ourselves free and instead we just kept the friendship not that called “affair”.

I love you goodbye?

It started last year’s April, when I met Alex. He was introduced from an old friend way back from my former work. He’s 26 years old, from Paranaque. He’s a bar DJ in the same place. He offered another unusual relationship and I accepted! The funny thing is I granted myself a heroic (?) decision even if I am not sure. Suicidal! (ika nga.)

He’s the type that who couldn’t forget to check how I feel on the day. He called when I forget to say my whereabouts. He would come and visit me when I don’t have time to see him. He would fetch me from my work when I had my overtime. And he would grant my wish when I said “I need some space”. It was two months of battling from confusion. I was confused with the idea of making someone’s fool. I knew I like him…but it was all that, just that! Nothing more, nothing less. But there’s something behind my head, I don’t wanna lose him. I want him to be at my side…always. All summer days he was consistently there for me. When he was off from work, he would find time to see me. I was so spoiled.

June, when I met Nico who just live few blocks away from our house. He’s working as a flight attendant. He’s nice and fun to be with. And behind any conversation we had, something was built between us. I knew it was all wrong to have another commitment without finishing the other one yet. But what can I do, I want them both! (Conceitedly) I kept my affair with Nico. I kept it a secret from Alex, not until he found out from my phone.

Mid-July, we’re heading home from Mall of Asia. When I left, I didn’t notice that I also left my cell phone inside his car. Few minutes he drove away from our house, I heard his car’s buzzes. When I got out for him, I saw his angry face but still he holds on it. It was a night of revelation. I told him everything about my affair with Nico that it was an instant feeling that I haven’t controlled. Peccavi…ended, I have sinned. He said, he was hurt, that I betrayed him. And it was true, I hate the fact but there’s nothing could erase how I did. He said how he loves me, and I said how I feel to him. I asked him what he will do when he already found out what I have done. I expect him to end up our relationship but instead, I heard him saying…..

Gago! Bakit akala mo makikipag break ako sayo? Ungas ka! Manigas ka! (laugh) MAhal pa kita kaya tayo parin!

(Stupid! You thought I’ll going to end up our relationship as easy? Idiot! I still love you so you’re still mine!)

December 2007, eight months to be exact of our relationship when I finally found out that I’m falling out of love with Alex. But it doesn’t force me to do disgracing act just to ruin our relationship. I wanted him to know what I really feel but I was confused to let him know not until late month of February. I end up our relationship in the most confusing way. One week before our first year anniversary, he heard the words that killed our time. I knew he hated what he heard, and I knew he would be hurt too. I killed the hope and his love…..

I read in his eyes how hurt he is when I told him that I’m no longer in-love with him. That what a bit of feeling that I gave is already fading. And I can’t stand in a relationship that I knew I am being unfair not only to him but to myself.

I read in his lips how he hated what I had said. I saw his fist how he was angry when he knew I’m breaking up with him. When I hit the line, I thought he would hurt me by words or physically but instead I got a tight hugged from him. Even if I didn’t saw his tears, I knew his heart is crying.

If that makes you happy, I’ll be willing to give it to you. But it doesn’t mean I’m done. You may get out from my arms but only to seek air to breathe on. And if I’ll see you in other’s arms, I will hunt you!

We parted ways, assuring each other that nothing happened that night. That we should still keep our good relationship. He walked away handed with pain. And I was left standing, looking at his back, holding confusions and guilt. I knew he’s here somewhere in my heart but somehow I couldn’t find him yet. Behind my back, loud echoes and deafening whispers of “pagsisisis”….

I knew I love him, but goodbyes are meant to be said so we could be free from a dead relationship. Someday, somehow we will be happy in our own way. Maybe he would find someone who deserves than me. I know he really understands me.

*bear me to spill the truth.