Verbal Gymnastics

I’ve exhausted everythinh my mind is capable of thinking right now. And I’m left with nothing to do or write. Blank Space. Yet, still words.

What wonders a word can offer! It fills spaces, bridges gaps, seal doors, open posibilities and ideas-so limitless, boundless and inexhaustible. They’re recyclable, reusable and easily dispensable.

But, it’s also amazing how sometimes, one can never justify his feelings with words. It becomes lacking, useless and annoyingly ordinary. The person, then, is left with no other choice but to resort still with words; leaving him with a heavy heart, bottled emotions and suppressed feelings. It piles on top of another until he can hold no more.

Death.

Still, words become useless. They can never bring the dead back, breathing and living. Late forgiveness, useless anguish and hurt- all are joined with the corpse six feet below the ground. People might say, let’s bury the hatchet. But can we ever do that?

Questions…

…And then some. They’re all words; and sometimes with hidden meanings and double entendre. Seemingly innocent yet could gravely harm.

Words.

They intermingle with people’s lives. Sometimes, one chains.

And then it breaks.

Get it up-feeling it “UP”

Since one of the synonyms for “powerful” is “potent”, it’s hardly surprising we feel more powerful when we know we can get a good woody. Those who suffer from erectile dysfunction may be confused about the difference between cialis and viagra at the time you waqnt to have sex, because it pretty much provides you with an erection in  about a half hour to an hour and  the pill lasts about four hours. You  take cialis  when you figure your chances of getting lucky in the next thirty six hours are pretty good when it happens , you don’t want to wait however long for your pill on kick in. With cialis you can’t get “UP” anytime the mood is right as long as it’s within that approximate thirty six hours window. Both drugs require sexual stimulation to work, so don’t worry that you’re gonna be stuck with a problem in your hands (literally) if the situation changes.

Now get out there and strut your powerful, prime patouti0e pronto!

*based from a horny professional friend…wink!

DREZZ DEZIGNE PROPOZAL FOR A FRIEND

Dezyn propozal for a friendz party drezz.

FRONT VIEW.

BACK VIEW.

see my work!

UsHIE is my name.

I’m new in fashion. Ever since I was young I found this industry a very healthy thing in the society. It doesn’t die!

Here are some of my works.

Metallic green drez. Candy wrapper inzpired.

White Zequined drez.

Gold Metallic drez. Both halterz.

80′z inzpired with metallic patchez.

Cazhmere pocio drez.

here are my zample zketchez.

”affair”

They say when the other door is closing, another door will open. When my affair with Oliver ended, I thought of putting armistice to myself. But not as soon as I reached the goal, when I started mingling to this lad I’ve known in some of the links that I browsed. Being in the state of baffleness; moving forward from a failure occurrence, I had the chance to aghast myself and let forget the aches. He was Mark, a college student in one of the University in Manila. Taller that me, has chinito eyes and has meek personality. We had a wholesome deal in making our affair (when I say “wholesome” no private events). The set up- after our classes we had time to sat and eat outside, talked and stroll a little. In the short span of our affair, I’ve known him. We had a certain commitment called “affair” yet I could still felt the barrier between us. Even that time I was still in the stage of recovering from the blast of my past relationship. But I knew I am sure about what I felt to him. The conformity to keep us into a vow doesn’t showcase to what we acted.

After two weeks, he asked his freedom from me. I’m no shock to that, I knew it would happen. We ended everything between us in a good way. A sad event yet we fulfilled the happiness in ourselves. I understand his reasons why we need to separate ways. I appreciated him why we should set ourselves free and instead we just kept the friendship not that called “affair”.

I love you goodbye?

It started last year’s April, when I met Alex. He was introduced from an old friend way back from my former work. He’s 26 years old, from Paranaque. He’s a bar DJ in the same place. He offered another unusual relationship and I accepted! The funny thing is I granted myself a heroic (?) decision even if I am not sure. Suicidal! (ika nga.)

He’s the type that who couldn’t forget to check how I feel on the day. He called when I forget to say my whereabouts. He would come and visit me when I don’t have time to see him. He would fetch me from my work when I had my overtime. And he would grant my wish when I said “I need some space”. It was two months of battling from confusion. I was confused with the idea of making someone’s fool. I knew I like him…but it was all that, just that! Nothing more, nothing less. But there’s something behind my head, I don’t wanna lose him. I want him to be at my side…always. All summer days he was consistently there for me. When he was off from work, he would find time to see me. I was so spoiled.

June, when I met Nico who just live few blocks away from our house. He’s working as a flight attendant. He’s nice and fun to be with. And behind any conversation we had, something was built between us. I knew it was all wrong to have another commitment without finishing the other one yet. But what can I do, I want them both! (Conceitedly) I kept my affair with Nico. I kept it a secret from Alex, not until he found out from my phone.

Mid-July, we’re heading home from Mall of Asia. When I left, I didn’t notice that I also left my cell phone inside his car. Few minutes he drove away from our house, I heard his car’s buzzes. When I got out for him, I saw his angry face but still he holds on it. It was a night of revelation. I told him everything about my affair with Nico that it was an instant feeling that I haven’t controlled. Peccavi…ended, I have sinned. He said, he was hurt, that I betrayed him. And it was true, I hate the fact but there’s nothing could erase how I did. He said how he loves me, and I said how I feel to him. I asked him what he will do when he already found out what I have done. I expect him to end up our relationship but instead, I heard him saying…..

Gago! Bakit akala mo makikipag break ako sayo? Ungas ka! Manigas ka! (laugh) MAhal pa kita kaya tayo parin!

(Stupid! You thought I’ll going to end up our relationship as easy? Idiot! I still love you so you’re still mine!)

December 2007, eight months to be exact of our relationship when I finally found out that I’m falling out of love with Alex. But it doesn’t force me to do disgracing act just to ruin our relationship. I wanted him to know what I really feel but I was confused to let him know not until late month of February. I end up our relationship in the most confusing way. One week before our first year anniversary, he heard the words that killed our time. I knew he hated what he heard, and I knew he would be hurt too. I killed the hope and his love…..

I read in his eyes how hurt he is when I told him that I’m no longer in-love with him. That what a bit of feeling that I gave is already fading. And I can’t stand in a relationship that I knew I am being unfair not only to him but to myself.

I read in his lips how he hated what I had said. I saw his fist how he was angry when he knew I’m breaking up with him. When I hit the line, I thought he would hurt me by words or physically but instead I got a tight hugged from him. Even if I didn’t saw his tears, I knew his heart is crying.

If that makes you happy, I’ll be willing to give it to you. But it doesn’t mean I’m done. You may get out from my arms but only to seek air to breathe on. And if I’ll see you in other’s arms, I will hunt you!

We parted ways, assuring each other that nothing happened that night. That we should still keep our good relationship. He walked away handed with pain. And I was left standing, looking at his back, holding confusions and guilt. I knew he’s here somewhere in my heart but somehow I couldn’t find him yet. Behind my back, loud echoes and deafening whispers of “pagsisisis”….

I knew I love him, but goodbyes are meant to be said so we could be free from a dead relationship. Someday, somehow we will be happy in our own way. Maybe he would find someone who deserves than me. I know he really understands me.

*bear me to spill the truth.

The beginning…

Being loved by someone was a perfect dream of anyone. It was like a bottle of whiskey, sweet and posh; you’ll never know when would hit you to a fantasy time. It’s like a beer in a bucket, ready to pull you down into drunkenness. And if love calls, anyone is willing to toss it up just to satisfy their feelings. It’s like taking risk, giving up everything; fool thy self just to have a perfect relationship. A perfect relationship between two individual would be as perfect as a hundred year old wine in your granny’s cellar. Sweet as you sip, tender as you swallowed, and soft as you feel.

A perfect partner that would understand every difficult times of your life. He was there when your not. He listened when you’re in silence. And he would cry when you should be happy. A perfect lover that stir you a cup of coffee when you’re feeling dizzy. He would sing you a lullaby when you’re not busy. He would be willing to give anything in exchange of your little time. He will call when you don’t. He would ask you if you’re ok even if he’s not! He would dry up your tears even he’s crying.

It’s like listening to a dying song. It feels like the melodies and rhythm; it could sway us to a certain harmony. Irreplaceable and undying; yet you still don’t know that it starts to kill.

Dying Gaul

Recovering from a delicate surgery is not easy; to think that wounds are making scars underneath my skin turns my indigo senses into black. The days are passing by, yet my rough wounded ego is getting complications. Every dose that I took makes me petrify and my amicable visions turn no red but pale. My bitter mind telling me to lay and rest, whispered me that I have no mistake in giving love to someone that didn’t succeed. And it makes my heart hardened, and reborn with new perceptions.

That all I thought, I succeeded…

That I thought… I accomplished it.

That I thought, I’ve learned the new lesson…

But I was wrong…

I haven’t felt the hurt, because I refused to feel it. I took all the effort that I have never done a mistake in giving what they call “love”. I never realized…never ever until I met Oliver, who was far beyond to my “standards”. He was the guy that I thought I would never like. But he turned the unusual color into something brilliant. He made me happy when I’m in deep pain. He helped me forget that I was in my glum. The little guy who was so out-going and fun, made my center of attention, that I’m willing to forget who and what surrounded me. He was the guy who likes to forget sad things; he likes to escape from the reality (aside of liking Wendy’s stuff). He like happy moments and ideas.

I remember our first meeting and first date. We took a veeerrry looong hike, from CCP Complex to Macapagal Boulevard in Pasay until we reached the back part of The Mall of Asia. It was an unforgettable night and it was so unique that I appreciated it. Through that “rare” date, I’ve known him and I’ve learned to like him. We’ve spent the night together, changing information’s and own ideas. And before the sunrise, we agreed to become lovers. I never thought that was really instant. I never thought that the unlikable person would capture me and turned to like him, and eventually loved him. That time, I was so deceived with the idea of loving and being loved. That I never thought I was making my own path to foolishness! Because of loving, I am willing to give up everything. I’ve never known myself that time. And I realized that it wasn’t me. Our relationship only lasted for two months. That time, I know, I wasn’t being unfair because I know I did everything just to work the relationship, even if I would look like a fool. But, no matter how you risked nothing would happened. Even angels couldn’t explain. Even rainbows wouldn’t show. No one would give answers to dying Gaul’s cry.

Yes, I was hurt and tried again to move on. I cried, not because I felt the hurt; it was because I missed some part of the plans that I had to share to him. Yet time grabbed all the chances from us. I knew I wasn’t being unfair to him. I struggled for several months of healing the wounds that created by the failures. And I succeeded!

(Whenever I see the place we’ve been to, it flashes all the memories that we had… it shows my tears, but I could carry to laugh…with all my happiness.)

Banker do cheats!

December 5^th of 2005, I remember how empty my days are. To remember the memories that had happened for the past months could melted my emotions. I remember that day when I decided to meet this fella of mine in one of the mall nearby. And I didn’t realize that something would change, and something new has about to begin.

My friend and I met in the mall, and I never expected that he would bring someone. He was Kiro, thirty seven and working in a bank. We hang-up together. My friend and Kiro we’re dating that time. And I thought of, Kiro is a nice and interesting guy.

After two weeks, I got an invitation from Kiro. I remember that night when he stood in his dark jeans and his white shirt, wearing his chinky eyes, chiseled nose and kissable lips. I didn’t imagined that he’s already in his thirties. With his sweet smile and alluring eyes, it turned me on! He likes conversation a lot! He likes to debate on me and share thoughts, that I felt no dull with him and fell in love. I didn’t ask him what happened between him and to my friend. I didn’t asked simply because I don’t want to know the reasons, that someday it would hurt me or knowing that someone has been hurt. He was nice and responsible to his every word to me. He caught me from the fall of solitude and comforted me when I’m healing my wounds. He gave me warmth in the middle of my coldest December. It was Christmas when he asked, me to come over to his place. When I entered his door, I saw a paper bag over the table and, there, he was standing, staring with his eyeglass with the tip of smiles. He gave me a present, when I opened the bag; I found an expensive cell phone (that I still have it now).

He was much older than me, yet he knows how to have fun with someone’s age like me. In our relationship we had, we didn’t see each other often for the reason that he is a working man. And I didn’t realize that I was getting used to it. When we have time to see each other, we spent our time locking ourselves in his room. He has good physique and he knows how to fuck well. I remember that after he fucked me, he liked to suck my dick until I cum. He was adventurous when it comes to sex, that sometimes he would recommend using aromatic oil, sometimes chocolate or even ice cubes in our sessions. I liked him when he moaned and the sway of his great torso when we’re reaching the climax. I remember that he likes to kiss my neck after we had sex.

But happy times have always an end. It was 1^st week of April when I discovered that I’m not his only lover, that I and my friend are his lovers! He cheated on me.

That was the time I decided to let go of the feelings I have for him than to rotten the friendship that I and my friend have. Kiro and I talked about it, it was a hard decision but I thought of, it was the right way both of us. I let go the relationship that we had but not the friendship that we found.

I still in you

It’s not easy to remember the past, though, there are happy moments to cherish yet there are also the counterparts of it, sad stories. It’s hard to pull back what you pushed and locked into a box, and afterward open and check it out if it still hurt or not.

But the arduous thing is sharing out some parts where it is considering a peculiar issue (for those unfamiliar to this); I and my best friend who lives now south of the countryside had a conversation of our own lives. Though, I already knew her past stories, I let her share her present story. When it’s my turn to share, she got intrigued to my almost three years of living in the city, and to what happened to my life here.

Let’s call him AUSSIef, he’s half breed Australian and half pinoy. He was born in Melbourne, Australia but he was raised here from his tenth age. We met at the airport last October 2004. I remember that we only had a little conversation that time, yet we knew that there’s something in between that only silence could listen. We had the same flight in different seats. When the plane arrived in NAIA, it was also the time we parted our ways.

It was late January of 2005 when I got a call from him. It was really unexpected. We had talked and we agreed to meet in one of the place in Makati. When I finally got there, I really can’t believe that he’s really in front of me (weird). He was there, standing in his five feet, nine inches statuesque fair skinned and wearing his chiseled nose and kissable lips. And he stared his chinky eyes. That date, I’ve learned a lot from him. He was in his late 20’s and working as an engineer. After we had dined we watched a movie. Really a date for both guys, unusual and gay for a nonchalant scenario in public. He is a good conversationalist with a sense of humor. He knew how to make a good date.

After our first date, we figured out a second till it was really constant. He showed me how special I am and how he really cares for me. There’s time that he even fetched me from my school after classes. We communicate every now and then too. One day, he invited me to his place in ortigas. The place was cool, neat and very manly. We had dinner and afterwards we got into drinking. We had a little talked over our glass of wine; He said that we should both take seriously on what’s between the both of us. And there! We kissed…I really felt his soft lips caressing mine. I don’t know if the cold air in the room lets our body grabbed and rubbed each other, gave warmth to each other. Torso to torso. Then, we caught our breath, and I lay down beside him can’t imagine what we had done. grabbed and hugged me whispering contentment (taray dib a?).

 

We became lovers discreetly. He was so updated in my whereabouts so am I to him. In him, I found a perfect buddy to chill out, to talked to and love too. He cared a lot, and I appreciated every thing he would ask, said and do. Web build understanding and loyalty, even if it hurts sometimes, we see to it that problems that occurred would not be the destruction of what we had made in our relationship.

Mid- September of 2005 came when he found out that I’m cheating on him. I had an affair with a girl. She was my school mate; actually we’re in the same department. We’ve been together for more that two months, secretly to my lover. Beyond his knowledge, that I am having another relationship. I knew that I broke everything we had built in our castle of affair. That I’ve been so unfair to him for more than two months. I burnt the honesty, loyalty and trust that we had scrolled together. But I told him everything what is inside my heart, and asked for repentance. After I confessed, I thought that he would break up with me. But instead, he accepted the fact and forgave me. He let me kept my affair.

After the event, our relationship had never been the same as before. Lack of time to see each other grew like the weeds in the garden. Like a fresh rose in the bottle and then tomorrow it dries out. We got time to see, talked, dine, drink and had sex but not as often as before.

Priorities may come and goes; you will only need to choose whether use I-E-S or T-Y. You should catch the one you think you can handle.

~sef

It was rainy late October, when my affair with the girl I had finally ends. I was hurt and felt the failure that rotten my ego. And for those times, he was there for me. He was there ready to comfort and support me. After that, I made sure that I am part of re –building our relationship again. We started to go out often, put everything in place again.

It was 8^th of November 2005, our 9^th monthsary together. He fetched me to our house to celebrate outside. I though of we would go somewhere else, instead we head on to his place in Ortigas. When we arrived there he prepared some stuff to eat. It was a quite simple event. Then I asked him if there’s something wrong again.

I didn’t stop liking you until loving you. Dolefully, we’re in a happy queer world. We’ve tried to put a smile in this kind of affair yet we can’t blend with it nor really adapt to it. It’s like coating ourselves a faux just to glam the glum faces. We still couldn’t find what we’re looking for.

After a while he asked me a wandering question. He asked me if I would be in favor for a long distance relationship… I said “for how long?’ replied. Nothing.

He said that he needs to go back in Melbourne in a week. So soon, that shocks me. I felt devastated, knowing that all I cared is nothing to left. He insisted to continue the affair until his nonchalant comeback.

I refused to go beyond what we have and had, I refused to step into somewhat sacrifice because I don’t want to throttle ourselves in a promise. I Want you to be free without thinking that someone will get hurt, so do I. But of course, I want you to love me forever, put me in your memory and remember every treasure moments we had the bitter and the sweets. The same as I, you’re always be in my heart forever. After this night, we start a new….my friend!

What ever game I’ll had in my life you’ll always be a part of my goals. What ever plans I built, you’ll surely be one of the scrolls. Wherever5 I go, you’ll be one of my footprints, the moments we’ve shared and this the very moment will be a good memory to cherish. You are good that’s why I love you so much. I won’t forget you…ush.

Single’s prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who’s not a creep.

One who’s handsome, smart and strong.

He’s not afraid to admit when he is wrong.

One who thinks before he speaks,

When he promises to call, he doesn’t wait 6 weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.

Won’t lose his cool when he’s annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and and opens my door,

Massage my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind.

Knows what to say when I ask “How fat is my behind?”
One who’ll make love ‘till my body’s a’ itchin’.

He brings ME a coffee too, when he goes to the kitchen.
I pray that this man will love me to no end.

And would never compare me to my or his best friends.
Thank you In advance and now I’ll just wait,

For know You will send him before it’s too late.

Amen.

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