Verbal Gymnastics

I’ve exhausted everythinh my mind is capable of thinking right now. And I’m left with nothing to do or write. Blank Space. Yet, still words.

What wonders a word can offer! It fills spaces, bridges gaps, seal doors, open posibilities and ideas-so limitless, boundless and inexhaustible. They’re recyclable, reusable and easily dispensable.

But, it’s also amazing how sometimes, one can never justify his feelings with words. It becomes lacking, useless and annoyingly ordinary. The person, then, is left with no other choice but to resort still with words; leaving him with a heavy heart, bottled emotions and suppressed feelings. It piles on top of another until he can hold no more.

Death.

Still, words become useless. They can never bring the dead back, breathing and living. Late forgiveness, useless anguish and hurt- all are joined with the corpse six feet below the ground. People might say, let’s bury the hatchet. But can we ever do that?

Questions…

…And then some. They’re all words; and sometimes with hidden meanings and double entendre. Seemingly innocent yet could gravely harm.

Words.

They intermingle with people’s lives. Sometimes, one chains.

And then it breaks.

Morning Memories

I woke up this morning with somewhat not in a good feeling. I felt that I’ll gonna have fever. I stayed on my bed instead of having my bone stretched. Then, I remembered the past when there’s someone who took care of my heart. I remembered the mornings when I often got a call from Joseph to wake me up so early just to remind me how he cares and to update me to some plans of the day. He doesn’t care whether I’m in a good or bad mood those mornings. Hell! Why I can’t forget those things? Crap! I really miss him. I miss everything about him. His eyes when he stared at me, his noze when he played mine, his lips when he kissed me and his touches…all about him!

It’s been over two years since we last seen each other. I wonder how everything would happen if there’s no such break-up between us. I wonder what will happen if I agreed to keep a long distance relationship with him. Did we keep it long enough to both of us? Mere dilemma yet it complicates everything between us.

For me, what we had before is a considerable romance; an unusual thing. Now, Joseph and I still keep a good friendship and communication bounded by past. He may be in a far away place and to keep someone else cares, we still keep a communication that minimizes the distances. Romance between us is done, yet we keep the friendship between. He already has someone who’s always there at his side. And I’m still waiting for mine.

I already moved on. I know I had.

see my work!

UsHIE is my name.

I’m new in fashion. Ever since I was young I found this industry a very healthy thing in the society. It doesn’t die!

Here are some of my works.

Metallic green drez. Candy wrapper inzpired.

White Zequined drez.

Gold Metallic drez. Both halterz.

80’z inzpired with metallic patchez.

Cazhmere pocio drez.

here are my zample zketchez.

sAd WhIsper

I have something to tell, it’s not easy but I have tied my fingers with all my guts just to let you hear this loud whisper of my heart. As my tears squeak to its on window, a million emotions hide in it. There was once I asked how it was happened, how did I took that moment and how I’ve tried to reborn the bravery I saved.

There I once or probably twice or thrice and even more of that of I thought. That there are moments I failed to tied up me to its own pillar of courage. I’ve known different characters in the past that influenced my sanity. There, I put rapport hoping to feel the connection between the two emancipated personas. When we were together, our perturbation collided that put me into a grandiose feeling. I grasped the expectation too tight, unaware that it started to break and pierce my palms. I have handed a cryptic view of this emotional state, however the odd limitless call of the affection still lingers on me. And when I’m left alone the beat of melancholy runs in the rhythm of the air. As the feeling of be wilderness, nonchalant, like it’s hugging to the sarcastic hope. Upon waiting to a call or a single buzz from someone you wanted to be with. But its just it! No one knows when it will happen.

I love you goodbye?

It started last year’s April, when I met Alex. He was introduced from an old friend way back from my former work. He’s 26 years old, from Paranaque. He’s a bar DJ in the same place. He offered another unusual relationship and I accepted! The funny thing is I granted myself a heroic (?) decision even if I am not sure. Suicidal! (ika nga.)

He’s the type that who couldn’t forget to check how I feel on the day. He called when I forget to say my whereabouts. He would come and visit me when I don’t have time to see him. He would fetch me from my work when I had my overtime. And he would grant my wish when I said “I need some space”. It was two months of battling from confusion. I was confused with the idea of making someone’s fool. I knew I like him…but it was all that, just that! Nothing more, nothing less. But there’s something behind my head, I don’t wanna lose him. I want him to be at my side…always. All summer days he was consistently there for me. When he was off from work, he would find time to see me. I was so spoiled.

June, when I met Nico who just live few blocks away from our house. He’s working as a flight attendant. He’s nice and fun to be with. And behind any conversation we had, something was built between us. I knew it was all wrong to have another commitment without finishing the other one yet. But what can I do, I want them both! (Conceitedly) I kept my affair with Nico. I kept it a secret from Alex, not until he found out from my phone.

Mid-July, we’re heading home from Mall of Asia. When I left, I didn’t notice that I also left my cell phone inside his car. Few minutes he drove away from our house, I heard his car’s buzzes. When I got out for him, I saw his angry face but still he holds on it. It was a night of revelation. I told him everything about my affair with Nico that it was an instant feeling that I haven’t controlled. Peccavi…ended, I have sinned. He said, he was hurt, that I betrayed him. And it was true, I hate the fact but there’s nothing could erase how I did. He said how he loves me, and I said how I feel to him. I asked him what he will do when he already found out what I have done. I expect him to end up our relationship but instead, I heard him saying…..

Gago! Bakit akala mo makikipag break ako sayo? Ungas ka! Manigas ka! (laugh) MAhal pa kita kaya tayo parin!

(Stupid! You thought I’ll going to end up our relationship as easy? Idiot! I still love you so you’re still mine!)

December 2007, eight months to be exact of our relationship when I finally found out that I’m falling out of love with Alex. But it doesn’t force me to do disgracing act just to ruin our relationship. I wanted him to know what I really feel but I was confused to let him know not until late month of February. I end up our relationship in the most confusing way. One week before our first year anniversary, he heard the words that killed our time. I knew he hated what he heard, and I knew he would be hurt too. I killed the hope and his love…..

I read in his eyes how hurt he is when I told him that I’m no longer in-love with him. That what a bit of feeling that I gave is already fading. And I can’t stand in a relationship that I knew I am being unfair not only to him but to myself.

I read in his lips how he hated what I had said. I saw his fist how he was angry when he knew I’m breaking up with him. When I hit the line, I thought he would hurt me by words or physically but instead I got a tight hugged from him. Even if I didn’t saw his tears, I knew his heart is crying.

If that makes you happy, I’ll be willing to give it to you. But it doesn’t mean I’m done. You may get out from my arms but only to seek air to breathe on. And if I’ll see you in other’s arms, I will hunt you!

We parted ways, assuring each other that nothing happened that night. That we should still keep our good relationship. He walked away handed with pain. And I was left standing, looking at his back, holding confusions and guilt. I knew he’s here somewhere in my heart but somehow I couldn’t find him yet. Behind my back, loud echoes and deafening whispers of “pagsisisis”….

I knew I love him, but goodbyes are meant to be said so we could be free from a dead relationship. Someday, somehow we will be happy in our own way. Maybe he would find someone who deserves than me. I know he really understands me.

*bear me to spill the truth.